Archive for April, 2015

I can’t avoid it

This is somewhat personal, but I feel like I need to share it. I have talked once before, quite a while ago, about anxiety. My dad had it. I know I have it. I always have.

Something about me:
I am an avoider. If something bothers me, I try like hell to push it to the back of my mind. I avoid confrontation. I avoid doctors. I…just avoid.

There is a lot going on in my life. We are moving. A big move, out of state. It is taking me from my comfort zone. It is taking me from everything familiar.  There is a lot of uncertainty. I am worried…about everything.

Presently, I feel like there is more going on than run of the mill anxiety. I have never felt like an elephant was sitting on my chest, stealing my breath. An elephant sitting on my shoulders, weighing me down. Lately, those feelings are becoming more of my everyday, than not. I feel paralyzed by the thoughts that are constantly swirling around in my head. I can’t avoid it, no matter how hard I have been trying.

I have talked about this feeling with Jason, and a friend or two. The concensus…I need to go back to the doctor. I need to get something that will take this horrible feeling away. I need to be able to focus. I need to not feel like I want to throw the covers over my head, and hide in bed all day. I think people would be suprised to learn I have been feeling this way.

I need to stop making excuses for NOT going to the doctor. Because really, I can roll the excuse list out like a mile long red carpet. Already, a week or two has gone by since this started. I still have not gone to the doctor. That excuse list is pretty damn long. I guess I am putting this out there for me…to sort of be held accountable. To get it out of my head. Also, I know I can’t be the only one to feel like this. The only person that can help me, is me. I can’t avoid it any longer.



This little girl

You all know I have talked so many times in the past about Jordan. She is Michael’s younger sister. Younger, but not by much. They are only 14 months apart.

She is truly an amazing little girl. I really am not only saying that, because she is mine. She has this quality about her. Is it because she has an older brother with special needs? Would she be this way if he was not autistic? I don’t know the answers to either of those questions. What I do know is that there are times that I am completely in awe of this little seven year old girl. She is wise beyond her years…exponentially.

Over the weekend we started talking about roller skates. She has never been on them, ever. However, she really wanted a pair. Jason and I discussed it, and decided I would take her Sunday to buy her a pair…with all the protective gear.  When we were getting ready to leave Michael asked for a pair too. In the back of my mind I kind of knew he was asking because she was getting them. I told him I would take him next time. Jordan said, “Michael, I will get them first and you can watch me skate. If you think you will like them after you watch, then mommy will get you a pair of your own.” She is wise.

We got home with all her gear. I took her outside to test them out. I held her hand and she was soooo wobbly. But, she was holding her own. Michael and David came outside to play. Michael was trying to keep busy. She wouldn’t stop watching him. She was throwing ideas out.

Jordan: Wobble wobble wobble, “Michael, draw with the sidewalk chalk.”

Me: “Jordan be careful and watch where you are going.”

Jordan: “I know mommy.” Wobble wobble wobble, “Or you could play tag. But David, don’t run so fast so he can catch up.”

Me: “Jordan, please be careful.”

Jordan: “I KNOW mommy!” Wobble some more, “Or play hide and seek, but don’t go behind the house because then we can’t see you”

….and so on and so on…

All the while, she was trying to learn to ride in her new skates. Jason took over for a few minutes while I walked away and when I came back, there she was. She was doing it, all by herself. She was rolling around the driveway, but those eyes were fixed on her brother. She was keeping close watch, until he had enough and decided he wanted to go back inside.

She is ALWAYS watching him. She is ALWAYS protecting him. She ALWAYS cares…about everything and everyone. Most undoubtedly the reason she got this in school on Monday.


Here is a picture of her in her skates. They are already looking worn in, and she loves them.


Do I have a future roller derby girl on my hands? Maybe. I don’t know.

What I do know is that we were so incredibly blessed when this little girl came into our world.

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